Why the Dead Don't Shag
by Closet-Basket-Case
Summary: A little chit chat between two mates: "Well...do you know, if...well-?" "Spit it out you marsh mellow"... "Can ghosts shag?"


Normal. It was a pretty easy concept to grasp, and yet also somehow the most difficult thing to be. Maybe because no one can be considered normal, and even when one could widen the borders so as to keep the human population in and the supernatural out, there were always those who lurked among the edges. For Adam, he had considered himself on the outside, but now lurking on the edges, attempting to earn passage into humanity, he found it more difficult than he had imagined.

But that might have to do with his best friend being a ghost and being madly in-like with an annoyingly gorgeous werewolf.

It also might have to do with being over forty and in high school. Again.

"Something bothering you mate?" asked Matt, who was, as per usual, walking around Adam's current class. He tried it with Christa, but she just spat at him. Her admitting to the whole werewolf thing hadn't helped the temper.

"Just attempting not to rip Mrs. Bollo's throat out." Adam answered quietly so the abnormally large boy sitting next to him wouldn't hear.

"V-Neck doesn't help huh?"

"Not really." Adam sighed and rested his head on his hand. He could always daydream about Christa, but that just made him hungrier.

"Wanna play a game?" Matt asked.

"No thanks." Adam placed his face in both his hands and grunted.

"Then how 'bout we skip next class?"

Adam lifted his head, "Mate, that's the best idea you've had all week." Matt smiled, he like being praised by his friends…mostly because he liked _having _friends. When the bell rang, Adam glided out and made way to the woods to the back of the school. Safe and sound once behind the trees, he started talking freely with Matt.

"What class is Christa in right now?" He asked

"French."

"Of course she is, as if I need any more reasons for my mind to wander back to kissing." Adam sighed again.

"She likes you, I know it." Matt argued as they walked further from the school through the woods.

"Yeah, tell that to her. " They stayed silent for a while, birds chirping and all that, until Matt suddenly asked:

"Hey mate, how old 'er you?" Adam stopped walking. Neither of them had asked, he had thought they hadn't really realized that he wasn't actually a teenager anymore.

"Old enough to drink, to drive, to have kids… to shag like a maniac." Adam stated proudly, picking up his chin.

"And how old is that?" Matt cocked his head to the side and scratched his belly.

"46."

"… So you're a pedophile."

"Am NOT." Adam shouted.

"But you kissed Christa…and your, well… _old_." Matt emphasized the last in a whisper, as if someone were with them, or as if someone other than Adam could even hear him.

"Shut up." Adam grumbled as he continued his walking. He may not show it, but Adam actually liked walking around with Matt like this, the normalcy of skipping class with a fellow mate, talking 'bout girls and all that.

It made him forget the burning in his throat.

"Hey Adam, well, you know a lot about ghosts and all that right?" Matt asked.

"Only what Annie let out in the open, and what Nina and George told me."

"Well…do you know, if… well-"?

"Spit it out you marsh mellow" Adam insisted.

"Can ghosts shag?"

Adam stopped in his tracks, turned to his rather round friend, and burst out laughing, clutching his stomach he fell to his knees.

"All right then, no need to have a fit." Matt grumbled.

"No, no" Adam tried, catching his breathe and attempting to stand up again, "Its not that mate, its just… well your dead, and fat, you don't really have a lot of options."

"Well I know I've got no chance with Christa, but there have be other ghost out there my age right? Teenagers have unfinished business too." He urged.

"Well yea," Adam sat himself down against a tree, one leg stretched out in from of him and the other bent at the knee, his arms laying crossed over it, "but the chances of you getting shagged mate, its out there."

"So is meeting a vampire and a werewolf." Matt said as he sat down against a tree opposite Adam. "But I beat the odds there, and now I've got friends, real friends. I never thought I'd have that, and yet here you are. So why not right?"

"You know what mate. You're right. Why the hell not." Adam rested his head back against the tree and closed his eyes. Why the hell not was right. He never thought he'd be the type of vampire to be dry, to make friends with a dead tub o' lard, or be pining over a girl who in a few years will be out to college and he'll be stuck wanking himself off in a high school bathroom.

"I didn't mean to upset you." Matt said, sensing the change in mood.

"Nah, you didn't, just thinking. We might be like this, skipping class and talking 'bout sex for the rest of eternity. I mean, were dead mate."

"I don't know why…but that doesn't sound so bad." Matt told Adam.

"No…it doesn't." Adam said back. "God I need a shag." Adam sighed, banging his head against the tree trunk.

"Have you ever actually…?" Matt trailed off with his innuendo, changing his position so that his legs were crossed.

"I can't." Adam said, relaxing and crossing his legs as well.

"Right, the whole dead thing a bother for you too?"

"No, Matt, I mean if I…tried, I'd most likely ended up having a passionate romp that ends in a bloody massacre."

"Oh. Well you should tell Christa that." Matt scowled a little and looked away.

"Why is that?"

"She thinks you're a sex pest." At this Adam smiled.

"I am."

"Yeah, well I've noticed something…you know, other than how delicious food tech smells during the afternoon-"

"On with it mate." Adam interrupts

"Christa catches you eyeing breasts a lot, and well, I've noticed you don't so much as look at the breasts, as the neck."

"I guess you're not fat and stupid."

"Thanks, I think."

"So what's the verdict, you gonna go out and find you a Mrs. Casper to shag?"

"I think I'll wait for her to come to me."

"She can probably already smell you Matt."

"Love you too mate."


End file.
